Where the fun it doth begin within the gift that so be-eth life
There won't be a happy, satisfying resolution, just because you want there to be. There is only one, true ending for any specific tale.
By Xavier Cockroachal Damon Dawn and What a Wonderful World and Xavier Cockroachal Damon's, Um, Entirely Fictitious Autobiography: Includes The Missing Years and Welcome to the Idiot Box: (Stories, Essays, Self-help Wisdom) and Love Is What Will Make an Immortal Die: Also Includes Waiting for Godotal and Future Uncertain, Self-sedition, No Reason, Rhyme and The Mystery of the Missing Dead and Sojourn Within the Shadow Night and Dog Years Within the Corse of Seven (7 Plays) By Aaron Aaronson Postcards from the Wasteland and Welcome to Nowhereland (5 Stories) and Self-extermination. Sounds Like a Plan: Also Includes Give Me a Burger and Hold the Fries and Brain Circus and (3 Essays About Donald J. Trump) and The Adventures of Man-Man, Episode 1 and Soliloquy to My Soul and The Adventures of Man-Man, Defender of Man: (Episodes 1-10) and John Harm, Private Detective, The case of the Evil, Global Shadow Conspiracy: Also Includes Disgusticon the Transformer and The Heist of the Century + Bonus Track! and Where In the World is Xavier Cockroachal Damon? By Mark Comstock Drowned Beneath a Bleeding Sky and Diary of a Man Who Set Out to Prove the Earth is Flat (And Other Stories)
The Books Available For Purchase
Little, old me. With fuckin' flames coming out of my head. And I'm turning into a cockroach.
The name I called my five day, ten year old daughter, as presented in, "What a Wonderful World". She's mentioned about half way through.
Melancholy Mel. He of, "Ode To Valentine's Day" infamy.
I always do all my own covers. I don't want someone else's art on them. Same goes for my tattoos, I draw them myself, because I also don't want someone else's art on me.
They say it is a good idea to post some of your own published writing on your own site to give the reader an indication of your style. I am now going to present to you, "Cockroachalisms, Life Lessons Learned On My Journey Through Life" in its entirety, from, "Welcome to the Idiot Box: Stories, Essays, Self-help Wisdom". But, I should note, I do this, not because it best represents the published writing as a whole because it most definitely does not. I do so for the benefit of the reader because it is the self-help wisdom that can only come from the guru of wellness that is Xavier Cockroachal Damon. So, let me lead you down the path of happiness and inner peace with life lessons all must learn so as to not make the same mistakes.
Cockroachalisms, Life Lessons Learned On My Journey Through Life
by Xavier Cockroachal Damon
Life Lesson 1: Do not...create your own Evil God Of Guilt whose sole purpose is to screw with you and ensure that not a single damn thing will ever have any possibility of going right or working and your existence will perpetually be a completely horrific, nightmarish, mind fucked shitty, inconceivably brutal, empty, painful hell so that every moment of every day, all you truly want is to die. Just don’t do it. Trust me. It’s really nowhere near as much fun as it sounds.
Life Lesson 2: Do not...stare into a mirror, so disgusted by the image you see staring back, you shatter it with your fist. Then go out and buy another mirror to replace the one you broke. Then shatter that one as well with a punch because you couldn’t stand to see the ugliness you saw. Then buy another mirror and repeat the same process again because you still refused to see anything good or worth seeing, inside or out when you behold that image of that person who many say many good things about, words you do not hear, an image you never see. Then go out and buy another mirror and do it again. Then buy another. And do it again. Then do it again. And again. And again. And again. And then do the same thing again because, still, you will not hear those words so many have spoken or see that image so many see. How can you not see it, for the answer is totally clear...Stop buying the fuckin mirrors, you moronic, half-witted douche! These things cost money, you know, and every dollar spent on them is a dollar you then can’t spend on liquor and cigarettes. Really now, the answer is completely obvious. Douche.
Life Lesson 3: Do not...if, for whatever reason you fail to follow Life Lesson 1, create a second Evil God, the Evil God Of Self-Disgust, to combat the first Evil God and try to finally get rid of it because you finally tired of its benefits and want it gone. The reasoning is quite clear actually and comes in three parts. First point. Say it works and the first Evil God is destroyed. What exactly do you think is going to happen regarding the second Evil God? Do you think it, task performed, will just pack up and leave with a, “Happy to be of service, friend. Be well.” It’s a fuckin Evil God! It’s not like it’s some benevolent mercenary travelling the globe, lending a hand wherever it can help or who will give up its mercenary ways and go off to Burma to take part in canned food drives. It is a fuckin Evil God. Your fuckin Evil God. It exists solely to fuck with you. Exchange one tyrant’s reign for another, that’s not exactly progress, is it? On to the second point. Exactly what possible logic could you have that the two Evil Gods aren’t just going to gang up on you together and your suffering under an Evil God’s domain isn’t just going to be greatly increased? Why would the second Evil God even possibly consider taking on the first Evil God rather than joining forces with it to wage forever war against you? They are your Evil Gods. They exist solely to fuck with you. Third point. Say, by some inexplicable miracle, your Evil Gods who both exist only to screw with you, do join forces and instead of launching increased assault against you, instead thank you for bringing them together because they are now best friends and really good buds, leaving this time with a, “You know, actually, we were completely wrong. You’re actually a really cool dude. Anyway, dude, thanks. We’ll be going. You can have your life back. We’re really, very sorry, dude, later.” Two points regarding this point. First point, they’re your Evil Gods who exist only to fuck with you. What in hell could possibly make you think this would ever possibly happen? Secondly. Say this is what happened. You would be unleashing two Evil Gods out upon the world and there is no question this would lead you to create your own new Evil God Of Guilt which would then lead you to create another new Evil God Of Self-Disgust and this process would keep repeating and perpetuating until there were more Evil Gods unleashed by you than people in the world. It is a vicious cycle that probably should be avoided by never beginning it at all. Look, it’s quite simple, actually. Do not create that second Evil God.
Life Lesson 4: Do not...go out and buy a mirror and smash it with your face instead of your hand then repeat the process in a manner similar to that in Life Lesson 2, believing you are, in fact following that life lesson by doing so, while also believing it is a more fitting representation for doing what you did in Life Lesson 2 in the first place. That logic, I would assert is actually debatable but let’s not concern ourselves with that question for the real point is that doing so, actually is directly related to the lesson of Life Lesson 2 and therefore, essentially the same act, just performed in a different way. Do you think there is some sort of warranty clause whereby if you intentionally break something using your face instead of your fist they will give you your money back, or that, if that were indeed true that would apply to 12 different times on the same day? I assure you, there is not. You should refer back to Life Lesson 2. There are other things money is better spent on rather than things that you purchase, bring home, then immediately intentionally break.
Life Lesson 5: Do not...due to you being unable to follow Life Lessons 1 and 3, create a third Evil God, the Evil God Of Self-Loathing, to combat the first two Evil Gods. The reasoning is two-fold. First reason. Kindly refer back to Life Lesson 3. It is the same damn logic and there is really no need for me to repeat it. Second reason. The Evil God Of Self-Disgust and Evil God Of Self-Loathing are, you have to admit, actually doing pretty much the same thing, so it really is rather lacking in originality. If though, you did in fact actually learn the third lesson, the second reason for not doing this would never come up. So, you see, go back to Life Lesson 3 and this problem is easily averted.
Life Lesson 6: Do not...even though you are unquestionably now having a considerably more severe Evil God problem than when all you had was the one Evil God, attempt to intentionally induce Dissociative Identity Disorder and so splinter your mind into multiple personalities so that the dominant personality can then attempt to rid you of your three Evil Gods. First though, allow me to say, your second option that you considered and came very close to embarking upon, that being to create a fourth Evil God, well, your inability to comprehend Life Lessons 1, 3, and 5, I find troubling. I believed the logic was quite apparent and easy to see. I will comment on that before commenting on why intentionally breaking your mind into Dissociative Identity Disorder is more than likely not the best course of action to rid yourself of the three Evil Gods you created. They are Evil Gods whose only possible purpose in being is to screw with you and your life! Fuckin create a fuckin evil teddy bear or some shit but no fuckin Evil Gods! If you create even just one Evil God, bad things are absolutely guaranteed to follow for you, and the more Evil Gods you create, the worse things will get for you. So, really now, creating Evil Gods, just don’t do it. OK, back to this particular life lesson as to why it is possibly unwise to splinter your mind intentionally into Dissociative Identity Disorder so that the dominant personality can then challenge and take on your three Evil Gods that you created, the last two created to take on the original Evil God you created whose only purpose was to fuck with you and your life so that there would never be a moment of joy, nothing would ever go right, and your life would be complete nothingness and utter, unbearable misery. Now, the logic is more nuanced and may possibly not be readily clear. First. Please understand, you now have three Evil Gods. Defeating all three would be a very tall order with no potential of success. Let me be perfectly blunt, it can’t be done. Now, only two Evil Gods? You might then start to wonder if the dominant personality from your intentionally splintered mind could overcome the obstacles and ultimately prevail. No. I Guarantee, you would not possibly be triumphant. There is no way it would happen. They are, after all, Evil Gods and though two Evil Gods certainly is less than three Evil Gods, they are still two Evil Gods and you, take no offence at this, are just a guy named Gus who sneers a lot and sometimes growls when he talks and breaks stuff in useless bouts of rage, screaming, “Come on, Evil Gods motherfuckers, Gus is ready for you! Where are you, Evil God cowards! Don’t want to face me, don’t want to face Gus! Ha, ha, ha. Gus, the muss with the fuss who gonna turn you into puss!” That is you. They are, Evil Gods. Also should mention, you are bound to be extremely drunk and if they did materialize in front of you, Gus, you would be more likely to mistakenly punch yourself in the face and fall to the ground. Gus, really now, not the place you want to be at the onset of a battle against two Evil Gods. Also, Gus, how can you be certain that your younger sister, Alia isn’t going to start sobbing inside from her never ending well of sorrow and, because of the terror she is feeling watching the battle, won’t emerge instead of you at the moment of conflict? How can you know this, Gus? How can you? Gus, you know you can’t. You know you would step aside, Gus, that’s what you do for Alia. Do you really want to take that chance, Gus? That it could be your younger sister, Alia there on the battlefield against the two Evil Gods, weeping as she sits on the ground, holding herself tightly because in this moment she so desperately needs and wants a hug. Is that what you want, Gus? Is it? Because it could happen, Gus, you know it could happen. Think the two Evil Gods are going to give her a hug, Gus? No, Gus, you know they won’t. Or, what if it’s Mortimer who shows up instead? He who always tries to keep you out of trouble and get you to listen to reason and prevent you from making mistakes because you’re always so hot headed and rash with your actions, though, granted those actions in this case would be well meaning. It could be that he gets you to see the error of your planned actions and that he shows up on that battlefield instead of you. Do you think the Evil Gods are going to listen to that person? Would they ever possibly listen to or hear Mortimer? Could they ever possibly be reasoned with? No, Gus. You know they can’t. You know this, Gus. You know this. But really, Gus, could be Alia out there, think about it, Gus. What if it is her? Now, if this course of action had been considered when there was only the one Evil God, certainly it would have been very tempting to think that was the solution and a stroke of brilliance but, again, you do need to remember there are now three, a battle that could not possibly be won. But, say it was just that first Evil God you were squaring off against. Again. It is, an Evil God. And. You are, just Gus. A guy who howls at the moon, shouting, “I am Gus, the Gus man, the dude everyone wants to see and be! I am Gus!”, with your pants over your head and shirt, thankfully covering your otherwise naked crotch, because you were far too drunk to realize which went where and you had already set your underwear on fire, thinking it was a cigarette, with you then punching a tree, breaking your hand, you then tumbling down a hill, waking up the next morning wondering where the hell you are and why can’t you see because you still don’t yet realize you have your pants covering your head. Really, Gus, that’s you. It is, an Evil God. Be honest, Gus. You honestly like those odds? But, Gus, again, it isn’t just the one Evil God. It’s three. Three Evil Gods. And what about Alia, Gus? What if it’s Alia out there against those three Evil Gods? Think about it, Gus. Not a good idea.
Life Lesson 7: Do not...OK, I suppose the thinking was clear as to why it was done. Understandable, I suppose. Considered a peace offering with the goal that the three Evil Gods would be swayed by the gesture and thus leave you alone. I can see how one might think this. But do not create two more Evil Gods, your Evil God Of Ugliness and also, the Evil God Of Unparalleled Moronic Idiocy And Stupidity, with the hope that five Evil Gods would just hang out and drink beer together, you thereby escaping their wrath because they would be otherwise occupied. They will not be. Again, you need to remember, they exist solely to fuck with you and your life. Will they hang out together and drink beer. Of course. But they will be hanging out together and drinking beer while they pummel the damn shit out of you. Not pummel the hell out of you. They will pummel it more into you. And, all you actually would manage to do was turn three sober Evil Gods into five drunk Evil Gods. You’re not helping the situation by doing this. Five Evil Gods now, all of whom exist only to make your life an unimaginable, unbearable, horrific nightmare. Five doing so instead of three, I advise against it.
Life Lesson 8: Do not...buy the other books I have written. Because...if you do. Then, um...world hunger will be wiped out. Cancer cured. Um, world peace declared. All the members of ISIS will put their weapons down and start planting flower gardens, instead. Eh, every orphan and abused child will win the lottery...Not sure how that’s technically possible since they aren’t actually old enough to play. But, trust me, the ramifications will be devastating to the world. And we can’t have these sorts of things occurring but I promise you, they will definitely happen if you buy my other books. So. I repeat, do not buy my other books...Um...OK, this is all bullshit, none of those things are going to happen if you do or don’t buy the damn books so just buy my other books, jackasses.
Life Lesson 9: Do not...Look, I think, at this point, you should really consider not creating any more Evil Gods. I really tend to believe creating another was not the correct course of action and to be perfectly honest, I can in no way figure out what the hoped for sequence of events that would topple all the Evil Gods like dominoes by merely toppling the Evil Gods’ dominoes could possibly have been. I mean, you do at least realize they are Evil Gods, don’t you? Because, by this point, I begin to wonder. Is intentionally pissing off the Evil Gods something that could ever or in any way have any possible beneficial outcome? What was the logic? They were playing dominoes, very drunk while doing so, thanks to you, and the logic was, um, “Topple their dominoes and they will topple like dominoes”. What could that possibly accomplish? It’s not like they were playing dominoes that were a thousand feet tall that would fall on them and crush them with a, ding dong the wicked witches are dead. But, that was the entire plan, just knock over their dominoes. All you did was really piss them off. Sorry, but that was an unbelievably moronic plan and my suggestion is to avoid it.
Life Lesson 10: Do not...knock over your Evil Gods’ dominoes. That is, if you did not follow Lessons 1, 3, 5 and 7. Also, that is, if your Evil Gods do, in fact have dominoes. If they do not, consider Life Lesson 10 a non-issue.
Life Lesson 11: Do not...um, create an evil teddy bear as you might possibly think you were instructed to do back in Life Lesson 6. If you did do this believing it was advice to do so, allow me to apologize for the misunderstanding. I never intended to suggest you should do this. I was merely using it as an example to display that, in terms of degrees, there are many other evil things to create that are better than creating an Evil God. Little thing will be fuzzy and cute, but it will also be evil and your situation will not improve. He will just run around chasing you and doing evil things to you while reciting lines spoken by the evil doll, Chucky from the movie, “Child's Play". So. Do not do this.
Life Lesson 12: Do not...watch the movie "Child's Play", featuring the evil doll, Chucky. It’s more than a way bit sucky.
Life Lesson 13: Do not...watch the movie, “Bride of Chucky”. It makes the sucky “Child's Play” seem ducky, the viewer of it lucky. If you watch both the same night...Oh motherfucky. Do not do this.
The Final Cockroachilism I will share as I have traveled through life.
Life Lesson 14: Learn, from thy mistakes.
I hope these life lessons have been helpful to the reader and they can be utilized to improve and better their life, assisting them as they travel a path to peace, prosperity and a better, more happy life. So, if you will excuse me, I must conclude, “Cockroachalisms, Life Lessons Learned On My Journey Through Life.” For, though I am hopeful it has been helpful to the reader, and though there are other wisdoms I could impart that might possibly be beneficial, there are other matters I must attend to. You see, Alia is crying again and I have to find out what’s wrong. After she’s feeling better, there are other things to do, as well. First, I must get really fuckin drunk-er. Then, of course, I have to go out, buy a mirror, and later, when I return, after smashing it with my face or fist, I really have to create another Evil God, the Evil God Of The Unwise Douchebag, because all the other Evil Gods are really getting unruly and out of control and something really has to be done about them before they really become a problem. Um, wait, gotta go...Alia, what’s wrong? Why you crying?...